subtleties in you. and me.

If you ever see me walking around campus with headphones in, i'm either learning a monologue or talking to God. so i'm intentionally avoiding social interaction.
I miss the newness and excitement that came with being a freshman. I miss standing out to the world as such, miss being noticed and loved.
My favorite place in the world is sitting on the steps of the Longstreet theatre at night, mid fall, when its just cool enough to wear a jacket and drink coffee, but not cold enough to shiver.
I feel like, as each day passes, and new knowledge is gained, a little bit of another version of Christmas magic disappears from my world. I dread the day when everything becomes black- and-white fact and fiction, and there's no room for truth in imagination between. I think that's why I hold on to the innocence of childhood so dearly; I'm afraid of the day I no longer see the mystery and joy in colors; when all that remain are pigments and numbers.
One thing I find comfort in knowing for certain: no matter how far I stray from God, no matter how deep I bury myself in sin, and feel like He no longer wants me, He never fails to pull me back to Him, lovingly, tenderly, and joyously, when I feel like I can fall no farther and there is no hope left for me in this world, there He is, with open arms, and comforting answers. And I've done my share of testing this, believe me. But all sin ever gets me is an empty heart and an uneasy soul.
Ever feel God calling you? For me, it always starts with a gentle breeze on a mild night. I fall silent, unknowingly reverent, until I feel Him whisper, "Be still. Come talk to me. I miss you, my daughter." And until I pull away to talk to Him, I'm silent, and I block out the world, so as to not get disconnected from Him. At these points, I have the most incredible quiet times ever, that often end in unanswered questions regarding Jesus' actions and statements. It's the most refreshing experience ever. It's rare, which is sad, but I feel like if it was more frequent I'd become apathetic indefinitely. I get enough out of these meetings to keep me strong until the next, when I'm running on empty and nervous that the next won't come. When I explain my faith, I feel as though it's different than most, and I wonder if I'm doing it wrong, but then I wonder if anyone can really know if they're "right"? Is there a specific, set way to love God, to be a Christian? Granted, to a degree, there are some solid points crucial for anyone's faith. But when you really fine tune it, going between religions, is there really one specific way that's THE WAY?
I read Matthew 9-11 tonight. Jesus was really intense in these chapters. He has a way of leaving me pondering things, and I don't think I'm meant to find all the answers here. Which is okay.