Overthinking thoughts over thinking.

Have you ever tried to not think about anything? In the process, your thoughts are i'm not thinking anything. i'm not thinking anything. nothing is going through my mind. i won't think about anything. i won't write this down. and suddenly, your mind races through all the things you need to do, or if you let it go on creative auto pilot like i do, it starts thinking about story ideas, or blog ideas. it's virtually impossible for me to think about nothing, especially after such a long, thought-provoking day. for instance, i tried this today, and all i got was what happens when you let your brain go into auto pilot? have you ever wondered this? i'm almost scared to let it lead; to see where it takes me. hmm. i should blog about this. yep, i really want to blog about this. where are you if you're not thinking about anything? are you conscious? are you sleeping? but even in your sleep, you think-- in your dreams. do people in comas think? are they just not aware of their thoughts? is it truly possible to not think? do people in yoga classes accomplish this? how do you stop not thinking? is it a conscious decision to make thoughts again? are you able to immediately regain thought processes, or does it take a few seconds to get back into the swing of things? 
obviously, i'm not a pro yoga candidate. my head is full, even when it's empty. which makes for a difficult relaxing afternoon after labs, classes and work. i wonder how big my head will get this semester. because it sure hurts like it's growing, with all the thinking i'm constantly doing. :)

Potential

A lot of my life has been all about passion; what I am passionate about, what the world is passionate about,  how to be passionate as a collective group of people. This semester for me is all about potential; the potential I have as a person, as a Christian, as a girl, and as a Media Arts student who is passionate about everything film and photography. I am finally taking legitimate classes, which even further aid in my self-discovery. I'm able to do hands-on projects and work with many other talented individuals. Such work, while I feared was going to by my "make or break" work, is fortunately doing the prior of the two. Things I've never attempted for fear of failing, I'm realizing I'm actually not all that bad at. Which gives me a fresh hope; I'm not going into this industry with false hopes and expectations, and I won't get there and be clueless to everything.
While this semester is stressful and time-consuming, I wouldn't have done it any other way. I'm learning how to balance everything appropriately and still have time to breathe. I'm rediscovering friends I'd put aside because I couldn't find time for them. I'm learning valuable work techniques and not completely failing at it. I'm taking charge and being a leader in so many things. And, I am still absolutely in love with life. This is the way I anticipated college being. For once, I'm not questioning my moves; I know I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing while I'm here. And I couldn't be happier.

Musically inclined

On a side note, I got A Santa Cause the punk rock christmas CD tonight. Not what I was expecting; nevertheless amusing. I think I'll stick to more of the Itunes Holiday Sampler for my traditional Christmas Soundtrack this season. Which is amazing in itself; I have loathed Christmas music since middle school, but for some reason I crave it this year. It's not that I hate Christmas music, I just hated how the same songs would play over and over and over and over on the two radio stations my parents would play starting Black Friday through New Years. Probably because it was big band stuff and old school classics, during my close-minded punk phase. As a result, I boycotted for the past 5 years. But this Black Friday, I decided I should give Christmas music a second chance, in modest doses. And successfully so. We have made up, and are distant friends now. It's going to be a good month.

Home is Where the Heart is...?

So tonight I packed up to come home for the first extended period of time this semester. I was home for a day or two at Thanksgiving, but I tend to just visit for a few hours, then return to the comfort of my dorm. Sad, isn't it, that the phrase "comfort of my" is used with my cramped dorm room, and not the house I've had my whole life. It's not that I don't love my family, just that they drive me crazy a lot. Also, being forced to sleep on the bottom bunk, thereby hitting my head every morning, isn't exactly welcoming. I must admit, listening to [M]orning by Mae upon packing up enough for the month ahead and driving toward my house, I drove slower than I can recall ever driving on those streets. I looked to catch each red light, to prolong my arrival. I would rather be alone than amidst the chaos that is my family.

Earlier today, they looked at a new house. Probably the millionth house since I was in 5th grade. Brandon said "we're probably gonna buy it" but neither of my parents was anymore thrilled by this one than the last. Another failed attempt. As of late, the anticipation has been steering most of the conversation held in this house. "In our new house we can..." "You'll be able to put that in our game room..." "There's no need to do... we'll be moving soon." 

How frustrating is such conversation! I wish I already had money, so I could buy them a nice house and end 90% of our redundant discussion. 

Then I wonder, will having a new house, a place to spread out and breathe, to properly store all of our unnecessary "stuff," really make us happy? Will we be able to function as a normal family, like we once did, if we have more room? I sure hope so. It's been too long since I've been truly excited to be home.

subtleties in you. and me.

If you ever see me walking around campus with headphones in, i'm either learning a monologue or talking to God. so i'm intentionally avoiding social interaction.
I miss the newness and excitement that came with being a freshman. I miss standing out to the world as such, miss being noticed and loved.
My favorite place in the world is sitting on the steps of the Longstreet theatre at night, mid fall, when its just cool enough to wear a jacket and drink coffee, but not cold enough to shiver.
I feel like, as each day passes, and new knowledge is gained, a little bit of another version of Christmas magic disappears from my world. I dread the day when everything becomes black- and-white fact and fiction, and there's no room for truth in imagination between. I think that's why I hold on to the innocence of childhood so dearly; I'm afraid of the day I no longer see the mystery and joy in colors; when all that remain are pigments and numbers.
One thing I find comfort in knowing for certain: no matter how far I stray from God, no matter how deep I bury myself in sin, and feel like He no longer wants me, He never fails to pull me back to Him, lovingly, tenderly, and joyously, when I feel like I can fall no farther and there is no hope left for me in this world, there He is, with open arms, and comforting answers. And I've done my share of testing this, believe me. But all sin ever gets me is an empty heart and an uneasy soul.
Ever feel God calling you? For me, it always starts with a gentle breeze on a mild night. I fall silent, unknowingly reverent, until I feel Him whisper, "Be still. Come talk to me. I miss you, my daughter." And until I pull away to talk to Him, I'm silent, and I block out the world, so as to not get disconnected from Him. At these points, I have the most incredible quiet times ever, that often end in unanswered questions regarding Jesus' actions and statements. It's the most refreshing experience ever. It's rare, which is sad, but I feel like if it was more frequent I'd become apathetic indefinitely. I get enough out of these meetings to keep me strong until the next, when I'm running on empty and nervous that the next won't come. When I explain my faith, I feel as though it's different than most, and I wonder if I'm doing it wrong, but then I wonder if anyone can really know if they're "right"? Is there a specific, set way to love God, to be a Christian? Granted, to a degree, there are some solid points crucial for anyone's faith. But when you really fine tune it, going between religions, is there really one specific way that's THE WAY?
I read Matthew 9-11 tonight. Jesus was really intense in these chapters. He has a way of leaving me pondering things, and I don't think I'm meant to find all the answers here. Which is okay.

A Summer Discovering

This summer, I prayed that God would change my life. Renew my faith, give me new strength, and allow me to grow in ways I could never have imagined. As I prayed, I knew full well that this meant plenty of frustration, hardships, anxieties, and disappointments. But I also had faith that it would help me better understand God and my relationship with him, as well as encourage me to challenge myself as a leader and discover who I really am. That is why I've deemed this summer one of discovery. It is the cry of my heart to do God's will and be His servant, and in doing so, really figure out who I am as a person, and what I need to get out of this life.

I took the internship at Shandon this summer initially because it was what I'd always dreamed of doing my entire career in the youth group, not to mention it was practically handed to me. God is either blessing or cursing me with not having to interview for any of my jobs right now, because all the places I've worked for have handed me the position, have asked me to work for them, rather than the other way around.

When I dreamed of being the intern, it was solely because I wanted to help the kids in the youth group experience God the way it had helped me all those years. I wanted to be a constant for them, so that while the ministers came and went, they'd still have someone they trust to look to for comfort and wisdom. I felt needed, and wanted the opportunity to give to the kids I'd grown to love and discover what that would feel like from the other side.

Yet, this wasn't quite my heart when I initially agreed to this job. I'd held some bitterness from not being chosen as the fall intern, and I wasn't exactly eager to be used only because they needed me now. You could say I felt like a last resort for the church that had given me so much. But, God pushed me forward, and I agreed to look past my stupid ego and assist the youth group as best as I could this summer. It felt like a challenge for me to humble myself, remember my place, and let God teach me. Okay God, teach away. Work miracles.

Tonight, I finally reaped the benefits of being the intern, and understood why God has placed me here. It was the last night of Refuge, and Mr. Smoak was letting me "take the reins." I was in charge of it all. He gave me ideas of what he wanted it to look like, things to include, and left me in charge with Kristen, the middle school minister. It was to be a night of worship, testimonies, and prayer. The night would go as follows: The Loop News, Donut Game, Song, Song, Song, testimonies, Worship video, Worship video, prayer.

I had to tape the news twice (gladly, though) to include a student in it. She made it a thousand times better than when it was just me. The game ran smoothly, and worship was phenomenal. Then came the testimonies.

I was utterly blown away by the spiritual capacity of my youth group. The hearts of those kids are fully on fire for God, and honestly, I actually look to them for spiritual encouragement. They have faith stronger than most adults I know. Everyone went up to the mic with a confident story of how God has worked in their lives.

The prayer time completely broke me, though. There were many there tonight in need of support and comfort, who were hurting deeply and going through some of the worst life experiences. Everyone in the youth group reached out to everyone else tonight, and passionately prayed for one another. I can't even begin to describe the power in that moment. Tears were flying everywhere-- you'd think we were coming to a close of one of those spiritual growth camps (Student Life) where everyone felt the spirit move within them. Those in need looked to the others for comfort, and the others immediately responded with the perfect, most real prayers and affection you could ever imagine. There was no judgement, no awkward glances, no outcast stranger. In that room, there was only Christ and love. And that is the greatest gift a leader can possibly receive.

At school, I filled my schedule to the brim, taking every possible opportunity to hang out or be social. It's what I loved, and I wouldn't have it any other way. But the day I came home for summer, that outlook took a 180 turnaround. This summer will be one for me to relax, recover, and reflect, to figure out who I am and what I really want. Over the past several months at school, I've had to put on a face everyday, and it got tedious. Don't get me wrong, I really enjoyed getting to know everyone, but it was rather exhausting. I think my friends will be shocked to know that socially this summer I'm going to be something of a hermit crab. I'll be the one who goes to work 8 hours a day, comes home and reads, then goes to bed. I'm actually looking forward to being antisocial and not doing anything for once.
Although, I won't be completely out of the loop. I've agreed to be the guy intern for Shandon's youth group. Hence the 8 hours a day of work. So all of my social time will be spent with the kids in the youth group.
...we'll see how long that lasts, before I lose my sanity and demand interaction with anyone from the past 9 months. I sense some road trips in my future.

Bestowing Wisdom

The trend these days of older friends of mine tends to be for them to give me advice on how to not screw up my life. These friends generally are between the ages of 22 and 30, and one way or another, our conversations always lead to how they wish they could go back to when they were in college and experience the "cliches" every college kid is supposed to go through. This thought always leads into them telling me how I should see the world while I'm in college, while I'm still able. Because once I get out of college and get a job, I'll be stuck there forever, cemented to the city in which my chosen profession resides.
It took me a while to understand why nearly everyone I know in this age range has at one time or another advised me on living more extremely and taking advantage of the unlimited freedom I possess in college. At first I questioned my way of living; am I too simplistic? Do I give off this vibe of bottled up excitement that seems to be wasted upon settling for not doing anything with my life?
After much self-speculation, I decided that wasn't it, for I live a pretty fulfilling life as it is. And I have concrete goals I intend to achieve prior to graduating; in fact, I've got them listed in a pretty little "to-do list" on my wall, which is rapidly depleting.
I then realized that each of these friends felt obligated to share with me all they've learned in hopes that I wouldn't make the same mistakes they did. It bothers them to no end, being in the real world, unsuccessful in accomplishing everything they'd dreamed of doing. So by warning me, they're reassuring themselves more so than legitly giving me advice. They want the comfort of knowing they may have saved someone from suffering the same sad fate they did.
So I decided, it's okay for friends to tell me to live life to the fullest. It can't hurt to have everyone rooting for you to succeed, after all.

12 years old after 18 years on Earth

Lately I've been thinking. A lot actually, about how my greatest desire is to be an excellent writer, but anytime I write something other than an English paper, my writing takes on the voice of a twelve year old with a rather extensive vocabulary. Each time, I start writing with the intentions of sounding intelligent and making a valid argument or leaving the reader with something to ponder, and each time when I finish and reflect, I hear my little sister saying everything. Granted, she wouldn't understand half of what she's saying, but you get the gist.
I want to know how to go beyond this awful age I seem to be stuck at in all aspects of my life, looks included. (I had a middle aged woman tell me tonight, upon meeting me, I could easily be twelve.) I read all this great literature in English and am inspired by it, but I've yet to be satisfied with the maturity level of any of the writing I've produced.
So what must I do to take it to the next level?? How did all of these great writers get to be so successful?
Such questions plague my thoughts. The most logical answer I can muster is asking my English teacher for suggestions, but I'm pretty sure he already thinks I'm an idiot, so that's out of the question.
Odd thought for the day: mix Gardetto's and Chex Mix together, and you have the perfect ensemble of pretzels and salty goodness.

Love is Here

The past few days God has been reminding me of and expanding on a huge aspect of my faith that I'd long forgotten, due to the pressures of the church I'd grown up in. 1 Corinthians 13:13 "And now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love."

The greatest of these is love. Paul captured the essence of Jesus' teachings in this statement. In all of Jesus' time on the earth, every second was spent loving God's people. His love for everyone was the greatest emphasis in his works. His ability to love even the worst of men shocked the world, and was intended to persuade his followers into lives of unconditional loving.

Today, we are called to be disciples of Christ. We are to go into all the nations and tell the world what Jesus has done for us, continuing his works. But I feel like society today gets caught up in the technicalities of religion and brushes off the most important part of the faith. Sadly, our modern day southern baptist churches tend to lean toward nothing more than a bunch of modern day Pharisees. We put so much emphasis on following the rules and doing good works that we neglect our real duties as followers of Christ: to grow in a relationship with God and to show his love to the world. I don't know about you, but it's been real easy for me to forget the "real" of Christianity and just focus on following the commandments laid out in the Bible. But when we do that, we harbor resentment and judgment in our hearts towards those who do not follow all the rules or say all the right things. Because we are so focused on the technicalities, we scorn those who are still lost, rather than being love so that they may understand and be found. Such hypocrisy! It's no wonder so many Americans are turned off by churches these days; we judge them before they have a chance to find God and be changed.

Jesus associated with the least of men, the tax collectors, thieves, and the greatest of sinners. He didn't discriminate, so what right do we have to stay comfortably within our small circle of "church friends" and ostracize the lost of the world? If we make love, sincerity, humility, and compassion the center of our lives, then being obedient will naturally follow.

The realization of how simple it can be to live for God and to be his light to the world gave new hope for my faith. My challenge for the world: be love.


And Matthew 22:37-39: "'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'"